At times like these....when i feel myriad emotions ranging from absolute grief to one that can't be explained...

But on the positive side , I saw many people known to me blooming....in their career...in life...doing excellent work and bringing joy to world...in short making this world a better place to live in..

Few examples...our senior is doing social work in India...coming straight from harvard...cousin celebrating marriage anniversary....childhood friend enjoying in thailand...a senior mam looking gorgeous...people attending parties...clearing exams...setting high standards of life ...everyone seem to be celebrating life now....

Everyone .....indeed....even me....even though I am so desperately struck in the mess created by circumstance and further augmented by my lack of prompt actions and hard work, Nothing really seemed to be lost...after all.....If you have air in your lungs...and you can breathe....i place to sleep sound in this cold winter night...food waiting for you in kitchen....books waiting to be read....thoughts waiting to be thought.....life waiting to be lived..

Its easy to live life when you know that best part pf your life awaits you ahead....It doesn't matter how far that lies. I mean, yeah ..it matters a little..but you have no other choice...you have to accept what comes in your way and move ahead...

It sounds so philosophical but, I tell you , today i stand at the darkest hour of my life...but yet i am in a positive state of mind....but truth is that I have no other choice...I really have no other choice rather than being positive and hope for the best.

If you can't compromise with your dreams, then you have to be very very patient about how your present is shaping up...because once the road you are travelling ends...it becomes the thing of past..

Of all the things that you have ignored....every thing that has ignored you, hurt you, kicked you on butts...left you bleeding...crying .shocked over the happenings.....will be blurred....it will be blurred when you will face the bigger question, question of your survival. Question of survival of something that you have lived for. Questions that you set out your journey for. and trust me.. everything that you have met on your way will be blurred..it will stop mattering....once you see your real cause withering away in negligence....

Its like coming home after a long time and finding your loving mother in dying condition...you set out of home to find a remedy to her ailment....and you met a terrific juggler...and you got engaged in that....you forgot what you set out for....you forgot what you were to bring home....and you feel very happy to be lost in his show....while your mother lay crying back in your home....awaiting your return.

now the show ends....but you don't want to leave....you want to enjoy some more....you want to take the juggler home...you want to make impossible, possible. After all, you are young and you have heard that whenever you want something true from your heart...whole universe conspires into getting that thing to you..

So you keep trying hard and bet every ounce of energy you possess to achieve something that you want at THAT moment....and then...you get kicked out....you are brutally forced out of the show, once it is over.  You are hurt...you cry out loud....you want to be heard...you want something badly....you have no idea how you are going to live...you seem to lost.....you seem to lost everything you cared for..

In such a condition you remember you have a home......and cursing your luck......your fate...your friends..your foes...your results..your hard work....you return home....

And believe me...tears will well up in your eyes when you reach there...you stand there for a moment....puzzled...and you look around seeing your home as it is....as you left....there at the balcony you dreamt of being a grown up....the tree under which you played 'doctor doctor' and you aspired to be one....the wall corner where you got bruised....your ideas....your faith....your duties...your promise towards life...everything standing intact on your face and asking innocently..."what you have brought for us"..

You stand there contemplating your journey....your follies...your bruises....and as you absorb the moment....truth dawns upon you......why you have been deceived....why you failed to achieve...why ...your every 'why' will be answered when you look into your mother's eyes asking something that pierces right through your heart...

And you see a sun beckoning a new day rising above the horizon....you hear birds chirping the music....you see the old promises waking up and yawning....asking what's the plan for today...

Then you remember...it was just a dream ....a bad dream.....a fresh day with its fresh opportunity welcomes you to move ahead......and keeping moving till its not over....

well...lets talk

Hi blog...
With me writing over here is something which has become a private affair, since nobody is going to read this blog anyway...

So I can give vent to my feeling here without bothering a single soul out there busy in their won crap.

So a lot happened since i last updated here...I lost my sister, yeah real sister....nobody imagines such situations but it happened.....and my mom was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer, even Docs are skeptical about it being metastasis, because if its found so...It wont be cured for sure...I mean then they would try to buy few years if they can.....and then her suffering would be over..

I can be termed as a cold blooded person as I am writing this all in such a light vein, but I really don't have any choice, i have got to do this, face this, and keep my calm. In fact now I have come to understand of all the minor tragedies that occured with me were preparing me for this....you can't be sure though about the strange working of destiny.

So destiny , back to square nine, back to where you started,Mr Abhinav not bad....not bad..I can see my destiny laughing me, calling me names, abusing in open public and I am not even willing to strike back.I am so getting used to humiliation, I generally find an alternative way to avoid such type of skirmishes with life and i have succeeded in some measure, but its so temporary, It will strike back me when I am in worst possible mode to handle it, It always does.

Anyways the news is that i moved to delhi to prepare for Engineering services. It may sound fancy but deep inside I am just killing time....not sure of what to do with my life, All my wits and talents lying unused, all my powers in dormant state, and me lying under sky for the dawn to come and take my restless state away, for then i'd be in peace with myself and my soul..

Its bliss...arrived

I can feel the bliss...
Bliss is the outcome of agony , pain , sufferings, challenges....and how you overcome them
and finally when you do....its bliss pure bliss..

I can feel it in the very air I breath..each step I advance....every moment ..evry place...its so special for me....this feeling of bliss. it what word can never explain
I tried to express my pain with poetry , writing,...so on

But this bliss is sumthing that goes way beyond words...Its like the tapping of my feet on the rythm of the world...its like getting in sync with the rythim divine..
All i can say now is that the juice is totally worth the squeeze..

Thats it.... I've arrived...here I go

अनगढ़ तरुणाई

अनगढ़ तरुणाई ।

कुछ लिखना चाहू तो कलम रुक जाती है।
कुछ कहना चाहू तो लफ्ज़ थम जाते है।
लहू सा जम जाता है ह्रदय में॥

कोई हलचल नहीं होती न कोई हरकत।
एक शांत मायूस सा चेहरा
आ जाता है नजरो के सामने
और सब वही रुक जाता है
सब रुक जाता है

love:the most complicated feeling simplified....

A mother loves his baby....a child loves everyone who loves him .....who holds him.......dont we love people whom we treat as god.............have you ever wondered over the childish innocence that is spread on your face when you help someone in need......when you start loving people around you..their joy is reflected through your heart and you are filled with a pleasure beyond explained by words.....

So.....what is the big fuss if two young people are in love with each other.....this is the primitive requirement for the sustainance of human race in the univererse..........

The expression of love fills your heart with the delight of pleasure........and supreme power begins to develop in you...you feel more empowered.life begins to gain meaning and it is essentially worth enjoying.

she's dere wid me......

Why?????
This question has no answer.....now that i have told my mom about it........i have no qualms accepting it........why do my heart craves for her...and my mind denies her presence....why she's there in every corner of of my thinking.......why????

i have tried every possible way out.........every idiotic way.....evrry intelligent way.....why??? my every plan every thought....is neutralised by her.......why????......
ok i accept thati m a male.....and it is natural 2 be attracted toward a female....
but she doesn't care 4 me.....then....why shud i care 4 her....why?????
i shud forget her.........i shud ....no other way...................
yaar every1 have tried evrything out.......
but she remains there............
she's there

lost in the crowd........

when i tried to find a way to express the emotions that i hv been facing...........i found that the face of a child lost in the crowd would provide me a perfect start to say wats there in my heart.......


when u start traversing the unkown tarrains of your fate, you just dont know wat u r gonna face next ,....but u keep urself equipped with the adversties that this world may pound you upon......in a matter of fact u hold the finger of ppl whom u trust ........so that they can hold u when u fall.....wen u face a bump....u lose ur balance or just fumble down in the askance of support........at times u provide them support, u give them a reason 2 smile, they give a maeining to your life and somehow you cross the chaotic road called life in the midset of all the thriving trafic ............sumhow u get time to smile and say all izz well........

but i never thot that i will ever confront a situation wen the ppl i trusted, the ppl that gave me confidence to march ahead and plunge into unkown depths, will suddenly pulll their hands up from me...........calling me insane and lost faith in my ablities........
these are the ppl whom i trusted ....who trusted me....who gave me confidence to fly........whom i want to tell how much i have covered and how the world looks like from here........dark or bright as the case may be.........they listened the bright part.........but they never cared for my survival when i am in dark phase.....they simply left me in dark cold night outside their house when i repeatedly knocked their gates......to prevent me from dying out of the bitter cold...........probably they wished from their heart that i shud nt die....but they never tried to gimmie a place in their life...........

today when i am in midest of all the crisis i look at the face of a lost child surrounded by the crowd.....eager to listen to him.............to know wat he lacks............to heal where he is hurt......

but he is crying over and over .....without uttering a word....and searching from the window of his moist eyes the image that match the face of ppl whom he trusted wen he set out of the to his journey ................\

whom he trusted when he set out to this journey......